My battle with Cancer

Saturday, July 09, 2011

My Cancer Journey Blog

I began this blog and sort of dropped it for a while but for many reasons. I guess it is time to begin again with a fresh new start and a bit of a an explanation. Last august summer was sweet easy warm days and good times spent with one of my dearest friends in my life. My time was being spent with Sarah in Virginia and many wonderful side trips to see amazing shows and friends in North Carolina and then in August in Quebec. It was a beautiful summer and amazing memories being born that would last a lifetime to reminisce over later. The last week of August the sunny sweet summer days turned into an emergency room visit with me doubled over in excruciating pain and I was told after a CT scan that I had what appeared to be a possible cancerous mass on my right ovary. The summer sun came crashing down and my journey began in what has become my will over death. By the good grace of Gods will for the rest of my journey in this life by his keeping me here in his good graces to give me my battle to fight and not end my journey in this life yet. I wish it was as easy as saying I returned to NYC and had a few more tests and a Surgeon to operate on me but as it turned out being a high risk patient who has never gone under anesthesia or had any type of surgery my obesity has played a huge part in my journey. I have learned that despite the potential for ovarian cancer that would if untreated lead to inevitable death I was refused by two surgeons who were afraid of my risks over my ability to have the procedure I needed so that I could have the option to fight for my life. It became a six month battle of being refrused by these two surgeons and hitting wall after wall only to end up in another emergency room in NYC this past February of 2011. God sent me an angel, a specialist who put my health before fear and finished all of the preliminary tests to be as safe as possible in my care but the bottom line was a uterine scraping that showed cancer on the uterus deeming me an emergency hysterectomy diagnosis as I now was confirmed that it was cancer in two parts of my reproductive system. All the optimistically grave faces said that I was a go for surgery and they prepared to bring me in to the operating room hoping that they could get me through and be able to wake me back up without complication.

Now I have to stop here for a bit and say something related to all of this but more than that a huge reason why I am sure I pulled through this. The out pouring of love and prayers from people that love me and those of people I found in the most unexpected but amazing of places along with my own determination that God give me the chance to continue in this life and make my best effort to right the serious wrongs I have done by neglecting my physical health of my obese body gave me the fight I needed to want to be here. I had a multitude of angels both in heaven watching over me and countless ones here on earth.. I won't name them all here because the list would be endless and they all know who they are in my heart and in our respective relationships. I love them all so very much with every breath I take they are my inhale and all the fears my exhale.

Angels in other places as have always been in my life since I was a little girl has been music. I fall a little in love with each musician I meet through their heart of their song. It is just an amazing thing to be touched through the heart of an artist and have them leave a lasting impression that stays with you always thereafter like a perfect heart print. I remember being a chubby child, I have battled unsuccessfully thus far my weight all my life and music filling a void that friends did not. I was not an unhappy child for the most part but I was not what is deemed "the normal" becuase I was not a little tiny wisp of a girl. This is not a pity party for me as I write this i write it with a deep sense of it an equally as much conviction and commitment to it being my choices that have kept me here in this place. In a way it became my dream like life lived in the hearts of each of these musicians and my escapism through writing my own poetry from the tender age of grammar school until the present as a result of the beauty I felt through each of these artist's. I consider each of them a gift and also an insight into my own heart, my sanity, my hope and my thank for the inspiration each of these artists have provided by their song or in theatre, film any and all forms of the arts as i write my books of poetry and often write them in my journals as they are a part of my life's journey. I have to mention one above all because in finding his song I found a huge lesson about myself in it. Quebec singer Garou. I found a character he played "Quasimodo" on an english subtitled DVD called "Notre Dame de Paris" and through his Quasimodo the deformed suffering human hearted Quasimodo I saw myself and my obesity the longing to feel normal through him and through Garou's heartfelt portrayal of him. I became involved in his music through the following years some 10 of them now and he became like a dream through his CD's, a beautiful escape from this one artist who put his soul into a show that I felt through a DVD. As I have thought about Quasimodo over the years and this story I also came to realize a very awaking thing in myself. This character was born like this in his deformities and had know choice in how he looked and was felt towards because of his appearance, still he longed for love in this beautiful story of Hunchback of Notre Dame. I have a choice to make better decisions about myself health and if I don't see that after this almost a year since last August of Doctors, tests and working towards a way to have this necessary surgery than I did not deserve to survive this journey if I am unwilling to chance the things I need to and truly fight. If I put this out there it has to be real to everyone who is here for me not just myself an admission to the world at last that I know fully my complete and immediate responsibility to myself in this life. So here it all is my commitment to do more than just exist. I love so many artists and the ones I know personally you are so dear to my heart that I will keep you there. I only mention Garou because I truly believe his portrayal of Quasimodo is a huge part of my story. All of the rest of you are not second to me nor all those friends and my angels whom i love as dearly as life itself but perhaps in your own ways each of you have a corner of my heart and so I would be here forever expainling each of you.

A small but necessary note here I do not blame the world for my over eating. It is a disease as potent as alcoholism and drugs though I have learned over my life. Though some will argue just stop eating it is like telling a crack addict to just stop doing crack. Sadly food feeds into itself and does grow to be a place of comfort when the "normal" is not your life. It does not berate you for eating you and when you are alone it can feel like a dear friend and rob you of your common sense only to make me feel worse afterwards. The only sad part is that it took me until now to see that I have so much more going for me than this food addiction. If I am graced to have gotten through this part of my journey in life as I will go on to say I had better be grateful enough to do right by myself and heal my body and pay homage to God for allowing me to come back and have this chance to fight.

March 8th 2011 I closed my eyes went into the operating room and hours later I woke up long enough to make my surgeon breathe again at the opening of my eyes from anesthesia and surgery completed. This man this amazing surgeon had given me my miracle and gotten me through it. I was in a room around 10pm my husband and sister said goodnight to me and I slept until morning. I woke up to not very much pain they got me out of bed and every was still guardedly happy at my progress for the next few days warning me about various complication but I was so happy hat I was just here. I am going through some wound care issues now that are treated weekly. Although it makes me a little frustrated it was something expected. I persevere and I am getting through wound care. I began my chemotherapy treatment's a few months ago which thankfully have given me few side effects. Seeing my mid back length hair begin to fall out was a momentary big deal. Hair grows back and who cares about it falling out when I am here to fight. I have discovered some pretty interesting wigs along the way. I have also been humbled by the amazing daughter of a friend who for children who go though cancer she made a beautiful gesture of shaving her hair off recently which both humbled me and made me feel the enormity of the heart of a beautiful child embodied in a selfless little girl. I now have no eyebrows or eyelashes I feel sort of like an alien the kind everyone say they are visited by, you know the grays of area 51. Without brows or lashes but I put on makeup try to guess where the brows used to be and off I go trying to live as normal as I can. I am currently 5 chemotherapy treatments down one to go and yes folks I will say it a million times I AM HERE!!!

Thank you God and all of my angels I AM HERE! I am pretty sure it is ok to shout that. Have a blessed day to anyone who happens to read this.

Much love and blessings for life!

Gloria
Angel Hart Poetry


A poem I wrote a little while ago that I would like to reiterate here again.

The Good Fight

My hair is nearly completely gone
As I am grateful still that I am not
My fears sometimes apparent
I feel weak and broken some days
Then I breathe in deeply with purpose
Taking in all the breaths of my angels
That hold me up when I stumble down
The pain is spoken in heartbeats unsaid
Because I live to fight and am not gone
I look up at heaven and quietly inside
Someplace I find my hopeful smile
Because I am still here and so I fight
For me and those who lost the battle
I am here damn it, Thank God I am here!

Gloria